Thanks to all who visited and exchanged (or argued) on the board of the last blog "Confirmed - No Summons Needed by the Family Court". Your exchanges are all important as I have to respect the opinions offered by those that are different from mine (ours). It just goes on to show how complex the issue of adoption is for adoptees, adoptive parents and birthmothers, and all those who are involved.
However, it is important that we step back and think about what we are
doing, and how we are responding to someone who seems to display a lot of
anger. Like most of you, I am not one for
a big argument. The angry “KAD” has the
right to display her emotion and opinion.
But it is far more important on how we respond to her comments than what
was said by her. So I do not believe
that harsh and angry comments should be responded back in the same manner that
she has. It just isn’t worth it. If you
do, you both lose.
The “KAD” in question is most likely living in Korea, and is heavily
involved in an organization that strongly opposes adoption, especially the
intercountry adoption, and advocates birthmothers’ rights. She seems to be very knowledgeable regarding
the issues of Korean adoption. I can’t
agree with her on most of the things, but I think it has more to do with how we
choose to look at the same thing in different ways.
For her, the adoption has been a painful experience as she claims that she
was ‘stolen’ from her birthmother. That Korea sold her to a foreign country for
economic reasons, and that the adoption agencies have coerced her mother into
giving her up for adoption. If her
claims are true, then she has the right to be angry. She has the right to
demand justice. I think this is more
important to her, and perhaps it has been eating away her life in a way that
causes her to be very negative and angry in life. The pain and anger that she
feels probably won’t go away soon, but what is happened is happened, and I hope
that she will be able to find forgiveness and compassion in her heart and move
on with her life. The one thing that I
know is this. God loves her just as much
as He loves me, and it is not up to me to condemn her in any way. We can disagree with her, but we should not
Whether we agree with her or not is not that important. She is shouting at what she feels as the
injustice done upon her past. For many
adoptees the supposed injustices of being separated from their birthmothers,
and seeing that there are other adoptees that have gone through the similar
experiences find common ground for protests. But for many other adoptees,
probably the great majority of adoptees, they are content to be who they are as
most of them were willingly abandoned or given up for adoption by
birthmothers. Even the KAD mentioned 70%
of birthmothers choose to give up while 30% prefer to keep their babies. Of the 30%, who know how many actually wound
up raising their children without giving them up later?
For me I have been too blessed through adoption to make any complaints. I am very grateful that I was adopted. And
believe me, there are many times more adoptees out there that are happy and
content, and when one is content and happy and busy with their lives, there is
little expressed in the way of gratitude.
So the absence of gratitude does not mean it isn’t there.
I have been tremendously blessed through the intercountry adoption. So much so that I have expressed through my
past publications that if I were to start my life over again, I would choose
the life of becoming homeless, being hungry and cold while living in the
streets of Korea. I would choose to be admitted
to an orphanage at six and growing up in an institution for eight years before
being adopted at age 14. I would again
choose this path, just so that I could be with my parents John and Margaret
What about my birthparents? It does
not mean that I was without pain when I was separated from by
birthparents. While my mom was a very
loving person, my father was very abusive with his words and hands. He would come home drunk almost every day and
we would live under his terror.
Therefore living with a birthmother or a father does not guarantee the
safety or happiness for a child. It is
not an answer to all the problems. There
are many children that are unhappy living with their birthparents. And I am sure that this is true even among
the adoptive families as well.
Having a birthmother raise a child does not solve all the problems or insure
happiness for the child, but it does have one thing that can never be replaced –
that she is the mother that gave her life. That she is her own flesh and
blood. This is the reason why adoptees
are drawn to birthmothers. And of course
to find the answers on how they came to be and why they were given up. Many are better able to cope with the absence
of birthmothers in their lives, but many others don’t.
As for me, I have long buried my pain of being separated from my birth
parents, but my adoptive parents are my REAL parents, and it was through their
love and by the grace of God I was healed. If I ever meet my birthparents, I want to hug them and tell them that I love them, and that I turned out OK after all.